Seriously, you have got to check it out: IF IT WERE STINE
Behold, a bit of the shining glory you will find there:
I can't even begin to tell you how much I love all of this.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
*Because I'm secretly a kid with an enormous fart fetish, I like to play a really stupid game with titles and cover blurbs: replacement of a word with "fart". This explains why I wasted literally SECONDS of my life debating whether I should call this one Attack of the Fart Apes or Attack of the Aqua Fart. *giggle* Attack of the Aqua Fart really does it for me, conjuring images of Aqua Man and brown underwater gas clouds. The cover blurb says "Add Water and Shake." Um, no. "Add Water and Fart." That's better.
* This cover image is frickin' ridiculous. The ape's hairy claws look as if they're growing out of the top of his furred cranium. That goldfish is absolutely horrified at the turn his once peaceful life has just taken. Is that FLAMES coming from the ape's paw? And LIGHTNING flowing from its chin? I...don't know...nothing makes sense in these crazy fart ape times.
* As mentioned in my previous blog post, these books weren't actually written by Stine. The actual author's name can be found on the INSIDE of the book; apparently they weren't deemed good enough for cover fame. This was written by A.G. Cascone who also authored the Deadtime series which was made into a TV show on Nickelodeon some months back (yes, I watched it). Glad to know Attack of the Aqua Fart wasn't the highlight of A.G. Cascone's career.
* The plot of this one focuses on a kid named Scott who is stupid enough to get water from the Fear Street lake to grow his damned aqua apes. A fool! A fool I say!
* Aqua apes come from magic crystals which can be bought for the low low price of $3.95 plus shipping. Magic came cheap in 1995.
* "Yeah, well, they say it's guaranteed. Or you get your money back. They wouldn't say that if it didn't work." Your logic is flawed, Scott. I'll let you pass this time because you live on Fear Street which means your life is shitty enough without some blogger trashing you.
* Scott's friend, Glen, coughs up the cash for the apes (Scott wasted his money on ice cream) so he thinks he has permission to joke about being "a monkey's uncle." It's possible I hate Glen...
* The bottom of the tank to hold the aqua apes and their aqua looks like the surface of the moon. Because that's where AQUA apes come from. The waters of the moon. The dusty ass moon. *sigh*
* The instructions call for distilled water, but Scott's not spending any more money so he and Glen trot on down to the lake buried deep in the Fear Street woods. Again, your logic is FLAWED, Scott! A gallon jug of distilled water is around a dollar yet you would rather risk using the tainted water of Fear Street. I'm beginning to think this kid is incredibly stupid.
* IT'S ALIVE!
* The day after the Aqua Apes show signs of life, they're double the size and one taps on the side of the tank to get Scott's attention (Aqua Apes not only come from the moon, they're fluent in Morse Code). Then the tiny hairy ape waves at him. Do with that what you will.
* The big-tiny (he's bigger than the other apes, but tiny compared to, say, two stupid boys) waving ape is hiding in a moon crater at the bottom of the tank. When one of the smaller apes swims by, the big ape crushes it in his fist. Ape on ape moon violence!
* The big ape eats all of the other Aqua Apes. So this book should have been called "Attack of One Aqua Ape" or "Big Hairy Cannibal". Oh well...pretty sure I'm the only person on the planet who gives a damn about this.
* Scott names the big ape Mac, but I've been calling him Krakatoa, Cannibal Ape in my mind.
* The Krakatoan is too big for his tiny tank so Scott moves him to an old turtle tank where the ape can spread his wings. Yes, this frigging mutant has little WINGS growing out of his back. His future looks bleak...
* Mac doesn't like the plastic toys in his tank so he throws them out while Scott and Glen are out of the room and replaces them with things he steals from Scott: a rubber ball, an 1879 silver dollar, a watch, some pennies, a pencil sharpener, and a pack of gum. A thieving cannibalistic mutant Aqua Ape who knows Morse Code, has a thing for loose change, enjoys playing ball and chewing gum, and is prepared to sharpen your pencils any time, any place. I think I'm in love.
* Scott attempts to get his silver dollar back, but Mac claws the hell out of his hand and arm...and makes his way to the front of Scott's shirt. Scott pets the ape and plays catch with the rubber ball. Apparently Aqua Apes love balls because Mac goes ape shit over it (see what I did?!?!). Sadly, the little ape gets weaker and shrinks a little the longer he's out of the water so he drags his hairy rump back to his tank.
* Scott and Glen go to the arcade where Scott find the ape in his pocket. It slides into a coin slot and pushes tons of quarters out which Glen tries to steal (the monkey is a bad influence) until the manager, Big Bruno, comes around and stops him. Big Bruno. Heh heh heh.
* Mac is now a big fatty, nearly the size of a rabbit.
* Scott sneaks off to Fear Lake in the middle of the night because he's a genius and is attacked by a King Kong-sized Mac. And that was a just a dream. Shit.
* Scott's sister, Kelly, wakes up to find a thousand knots in her hair. This is what Mac has been reduced to? HE'S A MUTANT CANNIBAL! Give him something to do!
* Fun fact: Aqua Apes don't like prunes.
* Mac destroys a dress that Kelly was going to wear to the BIG DANCE (there's always a big dance), a dress that Kelly's mom has worked on for weeks. He also took the liberty to make markings on it with a big black marker. I would have thought he would have used something else to mark it with.
* POOP. I'm talking about poop.
* Scott tries to kill his furry friend by crushing him beneath the garage door and he DOES, but Mac reforms like T-1000 in Terminator 2. His little mutant body cannot die. Behold the horror of Fear Street! (Or at least one of them.)
* Scott wants to call the police after Mac attempts to kill him by throwing a screwdriver at his head like a spear. One: Scott is only a few IQ points away from being dumber than a rock. Two: is there a chapel in Vegas that will allow me to marry a fictional cannibalistic homicidal ape?
* The ape has clogged the toilet with its body. Mop up the toilet water, Scott. You are his slave now.
* "Mac had the wingspan of a bat now. He flapped his wings wildly and let out a bloodcurdling shriek. Scott couldn't take his eyes off Mac's glistening yellow teeth. They had grown to the size of fangs." Hello nightmares. Goodbye sanity.
* The best lines of the entire book: "He came back out of the toilet! And now he's trying to kill me!" The ape is smarter than you, Scott. Don't resist and your death will be swift and merciful.
* "Come on, you stupid pig-monkey." I hate you, Scott.
* The boys trap the ape in a cookie jar, duct tape it, and throw it into Scott's closet. Seriously? The idea is that keeping it away from water weakens it, but still!
* Dude. All that's left of the mighty Krakatoa is a small black crystal. He turned into a damned CRYSTAL. I'm going to vomit...
* Call it a COMEBACK! Scott's mom puts the cookie jar into the dishwasher and "a giant monkey claw slammed out of the door of the dishwasher. Mac's giant monkey claw. And he was definitely not waving." YES. HE LIVES. Have fun being maimed by a screwdriver, Scotty boy.
Conclusion? Pure, unadulterated insanity. I'm fairly certain the author was tripping on acid while writing this. But it's fuuuuuuuuun.
Next time: Ghosts of Fear Street #12: Night of the Werecat - Could a werecat kick a psychotic Aqua Ape's ass? I guess we'll find out.